Eighteen Months Page 9

  I smoked the damn cigarette. There I was: a formerly nice, somewhat naive, frightfully innocent, still-young girl, now blind and smoking. My life was running away with me.

  John finished his and I could hear him light another. I stubbed mine out a minute later, my head swirling, though I didn’t have the urge to puke this time.

  “Want another?” John asked.

  I wanted to tell him to stick it where the sun didn’t shine, but he and Rina had been so friendly that I didn’t have the heart to. Instead, I said, “Sure … why not?”

  So I smoked my third cigarette. Frankly, it wasn’t that bad at all.

  I spent the afternoon being drilled on braille. I did well, maybe almost outstanding. John also taught me how to use the training software and peripherals I have at home now. He expected me to practice for three hours minimum every day, and meet with him for half a day on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the next month. His expectation was that, given hard work and the training pills, I’d be able to read effectively in braille by then.

  There were side effects to the pills, both positive and negative, which I didn’t discover until much later - in one or two cases, not until they had subtly changed me.

  I finished up with John. Alone, I made my way back to Rina. My talking watch said it was 3:15 pm.

  “How did it go?” She asked first thing.

  “I learned some braille and how to use the electronic braille display, keyboard and software you bought for me. I got homework too. I think I did okay.”

  “John called and said you were very impressive, in how fast you learned. I think he found you to be cute too. Here, have a smoke and relax for a few minutes.”

  “Rina, I really don’t want to smoke. I had two with John. That’s enough.”

  “Didn’t you like it?”

  I had to think for a moment. “Yes, I liked it more or less, and that’s exactly why I don’t want to do it now.”

  “Don’t be silly, Alie. You need something to get yourself back in balance. Or, rather, to help you establish a new balance as a sightless woman. I don’t want to hear any arguments. Take one, they’re right in front of you.”

  I grumbled and then reached out, finding the pack she held. I took a cigarette and reached into my purse for the lighter. I managed to light the cigarette pretty easily. I drew on it for a couple seconds and inhaled it into my lungs. It felt fine.

  “There, better?” She asked.

  “I suppose so,” I said, trying to avoid talking about it anymore. These did not go with my squeaky-clean, innocent young girl image that I’d worked hard to foster and project. On the other hand, that girl hadn’t been a sentenced criminal either. So I smoked the thing. Again.

  “Okay,” Rina said, “you can have one more smoke to relax you, or you can jump right in and call River’s Edge Biotech.”

  A clear setup if ever there was one, but I decided to stall. “Give me another cigarette first, I probably need it.”

  So I smoked one more.

  I didn’t have the number with me so Rina looked it up on the web and dialed it for me. “Hello,” she said, “I’m calling Dr. Michael Liebermann. Natalie Adams would like to speak to him.” She tapped my hand and put the phone in it, saying, “You’re on hold while she connects him.”

  “Hello Natalie! This is Mike.” His friendly, boisterous voice boomed over the phone. “We’re looking forward to seeing you in about a week!”

  “Hi Dr. Liebermann …”

  “Please, call me Mike. We’re not formal here.”

  “Okay. I was also really looking forward to starting my dream job in a week. In fact, I’ve already moved here to River’s Edge. That’s why I’m calling.”

  “Natalie, is something the matter?”

  My voice had given me away already. I couldn’t help it. “Mike, I won’t be able to start in a week as I planned.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “Something is very wrong. I’ve lost my sight in both eyes, Mike. I’m completely blind.”

  “WHAT! How could that happen?”

  “Uh … the doctors aren’t sure, but there appears to be an inflammation of my optic nerves. They suspect an autoimmune disease.” I’d made that up, after thinking about what to say for two days.

  “Can you see anything at all?”

  “No Mike, I’m totally blind. The doctors seem to think it’s treatable, but they expect it to be eighteen months before I’m able to see again.”

  “Natalie … I don’t know what to say. I’m so very sorry. Are you getting the best treatment? I could make some calls …”

  I didn’t want anyone else to know what had really happened, so I said, “I’m confident that I’m getting the best care available.

  “I realize that this will obviously prevent me from starting when expected. It only just happened, and I wanted to let you know as soon as I was sure about my prognosis.”

  “I appreciate that very much. Unfortunately Natalie, there is no way for us to accommodate blind lab technicians …”

  “Mike, I completely understand that. I will send you a letter withdrawing my offer acceptance, but I wanted to call first.”

  “Natalie, we were very impressed with you. I’m hopeful that your recovery will go as well as or better than expected. As soon as your sight returns, you should contact me. If there is any possible way for me to do it, I will have an equivalent job available for you. So please let me know. In the meantime, I’ll pull your application and inform HR that you will not be starting as expected because of a medical emergency.”

  “I’m so sorry, Mike.” I started to cry then, I couldn’t help it.

  “There’s no need for you to be sorry, Natalie. You focus on dealing with your handicap, and getting your life in order. Has River’s Edge connected you with a good physical and occupational therapy group?”

  “Yes, I’m being helped by Uptown Disability Services. That’s where I’m calling from now.”

  “Then get yourself better. When your sight returns, please call me immediately.”

  “I will; thank you Mike.”

  “You’re welcome, Natalie. I wish you well. Bye.”

  “Bye.” I started to cry even harder.

  “Alie …” Rina tried to talk to me.

  “Look what they did to me, Rina! They blinded me and ruined my career for a few little, minor mishaps!” I cried even harder, I couldn’t help it. “Nobody deserves what they did to me!”

  She let me cry it out for the next ten minutes. Finally, Rina said, “Okay, time to end the pity party for now. Get me to the Metrorail station, and to the grocery store closest to your house. Let’s smoke one and then take off. After grocery shopping, we’re going out to party …”

  “I’m in no mood to party, Rina.”

  “You will be. Here, take one of mine. I felt her nudge my hand and felt the pack there. I got a cigarette out. It seemed the thing to do. I got my lighter and lit it and managed to inhale on the first puff.

  **********

  Grocery shopping was interesting, confusing, and somewhat embarrassing, but we got it done. Leaving there, the only big news was that I was now the proud owner of a carton of Marlboro Softpack Reds of my very own. Rina told me she expected me to smoke the whole carton within two weeks. I pointed out that I’d need to smoke 15 per day to do that! So she changed it to ten days, or a pack per day. Then I could quit, if I didn’t like it.

  She made me promise on my honor to do it, or I would let her down. I absolutely hated that for three reasons: I didn’t want to smoke; I can’t stand the idea of letting anyone down; and I would never go back on a promise.

  Well, you’re saying, I shouldn’t have promised. Huh! She put me on the spot in a weak moment. Now I was at least committed to giving it a fair try.

  But then it’d be over. Probably worth it to get her to shut up.

  I had to cook so we didn’t start eating until almost 7:30. After we ate, Rina did my makeup and tried to fix my hair in some
presentable way, using my curling iron to make it flip under. I could tell by the huffing noises that she was getting frustrated with it.

  “Alie …”

  “What?”

  “You’ve gotta do something about this hair. It’s very pretty, but totally impractical. I’ll call that hairdresser tomorrow.”

  “But I like it the way it is,” I whined.

  “But I like it the way it is …,“ she mimicked with a sarcastic sing-song. “Take my word for it, it’s a simple, though elegant bob that’s very difficult to get to look right when you can’t see what you’re doing. As a result, under the current situation, without a LOT of work it does nothing for you.”

  “It looked good when I styled it.”

  “And it looks good now. But look how long I had to work at it, and I can see! Maybe it looked good when you could see to style it, but that’s in the past. You need hair surgery big time.”

  “But Rina …”

  “No ‘buts.’ Sorry, it’s gotta go.”

  I was weakening, but far from convinced. Finally blind, googly-eyed, made up and coiffed, Rina put me in this frilly, white, very-short party dress that I hardly ever wore. She judged me presentable. We went clubbing, a totally frightful experience when you’re sightless.

  **********

  “Hi!” I heard a melodious male voice. I thought it was directed at me. I was smoking one of Rina’s cigarettes. I exhaled, dropped my hand holding it to my side, and then asked, “Are you talking to me?”

  “Do you see any other beautiful, unattached women here besides yourself?” The man asked me.

  “No, but that’s no big deal. I can’t see anyone. For that matter, I can’t see you either. You obviously didn’t notice that I’m blind.” I took a long drag on the cigarette at this point. It felt like the right thing to do. I blew it out in what I thought was his direction.

  “Ah … oh … oops?” He said shyly. “I didn’t mean to offend. But I meant what I said, you’re very pretty.”

  “I thought you said I was beautiful?” I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. If he stuck around then, we’d see.

  “Ah … that too.”

  “I know for a fact that my sightless right eye is turned in. It disrupts my facial symmetry.” Let’s see him get outa that.

  “Only a little, and it’s quite charming. It adds to your appeal.”

  I finished the cigarette – at least, I thought I did – and stubbed it out in the ashtray which someone had moved. Therefore, the first two stubbings were on the table top. He grabbed my hand, held it, and I heard the ashtray slide and brush my hand. I continued stubbing, this time actually in the ashtray.

  “Do you get off on blind girls?” I asked, meanly.

  “I don’t know. You’re the first one I’ve ever met. But I’d certainly like to investigate further.”

  Yeah, maybe he was a decent guy. But I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself yet.

  “So you’re telling me that you’d be willing to be seen with a girl with crooked eyes, probably crooked lipstick and other disheveled makeup, a tendency to fall over everything, and a risk of setting her hair on fire when she lights a cigarette?”

  “Or the table when she puts it out. When you put it that way … sure! What could be more fun? Besides, there’s a fix for everything you mentioned.”

  “Not for my crooked eye …”

  “Okay, almost everything. I could help with the makeup, lead you around obstacles, and put you out if you catch fire. Or you could quit smoking.”

  I had to laugh at that. “Actually, I don’t smoke.”

  “Could’ve fooled me.”

  “Yeah … no … I mean a friend is trying to get me to smoke to help me through this tough time of having recently become sightless.”

  “Wow, this is recent?”

  “Very recent. This is my first night out since it happened.”

  “I’m sorry, but glad you decided to get out. Can I ask how it happened?”

  “Some kind of autoimmune attack on my optic nerves.”

  “Can you see anything?”

  “Absolutely nothing at all.”

  “Is there anything they can do?”

  “No. I’m blind and the doctors say I always will be.” That was the story Rina and I had concocted. We thought it would avoid a long conversation about something I didn’t want people to know.

  “Then that makes it even more courageous that you’re out and about. You must be quite a lady. My name is Rod, by the way.”

  “I’m N … Alie – short for Natalie. It’s nice talking to you, Rod.” I extended my hand and I felt him take it.

  “I’m delighted to know you, Alie. Can I light another cigarette for you?” He asked. God! Was there anyone here who didn’t smoke?

  “Do you smoke?” I asked.”

  “Yes, a habit I’ve had for a while,” he admitted. “Want one of mine? Marlboro Red 100s.”

  “Close enough; I have Marlboro Softpacks Reds.”

  He put one in my hands. I held it to my lips and sucked as he lit it. That was probably my tenth cigarette of the day, and I had only taken three from the pack Rina had given me. Plus I had a carton at home.

  As we smoked, I told him about me – a now unemployed bio lab technician. He was an investment banker, just getting started. He was three years older than I, with an MBA in Finance.

  The cigarettes were done and we danced. We danced a lot. Mostly fast, a couple slow. Compared to me, he was taller (who isn’t?), muscular, and he smelled wonderful. “You smell great!” I said. “What is that cologne?”

  He laughed. “Jaiper Homme, by Boucheron. My sister bought it for me last Christmas. You like it?”

  “Oh yeah. My eyes are useless, but my nose is pumped. You smell heady, sexy, strong, and good enough to eat.”

  “Hmm … I think that’s the first time anyone has ever told me that.”

  “Then you’re hanging out with the wrong crowd.”

  “So can I assume I’ve finally arrived where I belong?”

  “Do you really want to be seen with a blind chick?”

  “But you can’t see me …”

  “Asshole. I meant other people.” We both laughed.

  “I’d be proud to be seen with you.”

  “Goofy eyes and all?”

  “Like I said, I like your eyes. The fact that they aren’t perfectly aligned gives you a unique look that’s endearing. Can I call you?”

  “Yes. But if you don’t, I’ll hunt you down.”

  “How will you recognize me?”

  “Ha! By your delicious scent, of course!”

  “Hmm … good point. Okay, I’ll call.” And I gave him my number and memorized his.

  We smoked some more and danced some more and Rina finally joined us.

  “Rina, this is my new friend, Rod … ah … short for – Rodney?”

  “Nope, worse than that. Roderick. Old family name. That’s my handicap.”

  “I’d say it doesn’t compare, but I like the fact that you’re comfortable enough to joke with me.” I did feel relaxed with Rod.

  “Well Alie, if you want sympathy, you’ll have to look elsewhere. I think you’re absolutely fine as you are. And no, I may not be the handsomest guy in the world, but I’m not a troll either.”

  Rina stepped in, “Alie, Rod is about as far from a troll as it’s possible to be. He’s almost as good looking as you are.”

  “Then I feel sorry for you, Rod.” And I laughed.

  “When you’re dancing, you two are the hottest couple out there by a mile,” Rina added.

  “There’s no doubt Alie can dance,” Rod said, “and I mean really, really dance!”

  “You two are embarrassing me,” I blurted out. Secretly, I was getting a boost from this conversation.

  “It must be those years of dance lessons, coupled with some inborn ability,” Rina stated frankly.

  A slow-to-medium tempo song started then and I felt Rod take my hand and lead me to the
hard dance floor again.

  The music really caught me in its tempo and I found myself swaying sensuously to the oscillating beat. I danced like I would normally have, but without visual cues, which was all I could do. I had to assume that Rod would keep up with me. I couldn’t dance with him when he wasn’t holding me.

  Something special must have happened because I could suddenly feel more uncrowded space around me as I was completely caught up in the music and the moment. After a particularly moving sway to the tempo, I felt Rod press up against me and we moved together as one person – side-to-side, up-and-down pushed against each other as though we’d been partners for years.

  I was in a black world with only the sensation of Rod and the hypnotic beat of the music, but I felt the eyes of the whole club on me. Rod and I were in some celestial zone where any movement either of us made only built on the mood created by the sensual song.

  When it ended, I heard a hundred people or more burst into applause. Was that for us?

  No. It was for me, as Rina told me when Rod led me back to the table where she sat. Apparently, when the song neared its end, Rod had stepped back as I continued to sway to the music, gestured to me, and the crowd went crazy.

  I had heard more than a few people say, “I think she’s blind! But wow, can she dance!”

  I wanted to see what was going on! I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see anything with my dead eyes.

  “That was incredible! You were SO HOT!” Rod exclaimed. “You had this crowd in the palm of your hand! I’ve never seen anyone dance like that! Alie, you’ve got to promise to spend more time with me!”

  “All you need to do is call,” I replied.

  “Count on it.”

  Chapter 6 – I Am Not My Hair

  The next day, tired though still warm from my big night dancing blind, I managed to find my way uptown in record time, and tapped my way to Uptown Disability Services.

  The day was pretty much a copy of yesterday: maneuverability training and braille training took up most of it. And, of course, there were the numerous smoking breaks almost forced on me by Rina and John. Rina had made me promise to do 20 cigarettes a day, and to give her a running tally. How ignorant was that? But I did. At 3:30 I met again with Betty, this time to chat about the challenges of being blind.