Eighteen Months Page 6

  “You call this a life?”

  “Yes, Natalie, I do.”

  “I’m a young woman …”

  “Who did well in school and found a job in a new area and came there to make her mark, right?”

  “YES!”

  “WRONG! You aren’t anymore. You are a young, blind woman who has to find a new way to live. Natalie, you’ll make it, but you really aren’t the same woman you were when you woke up this morning.”

  That was for sure. But I was angry and hurt. “I don’t deserve this!”

  “Nope, I don’t think you do either. Tough shit. You are what you are. Regardless of how you got there, your now-disabled body has been altered to be less than it was, to let you down, as River’s Edge feels you let it down. You need to start thinking of yourself as a blind girl, or a blind woman. Sight is a long way in the future for you. Put it out of your mind.

  “Natalie, you’re not going to see anything again in the near-to-medium term. Hell, you might as well assume you’re always going to be blind. Then, in a year-and-a-half or so, you can reevaluate.”

  As I was about to say something snide and mean, I heard a knock, and a too-perky voice said, “Hi Natalie! I’m Rina, your O&M – Orientation and Mobility - instructor!”

  Oh, joy.

  After Trudy introduced me, I held out my hand towards where I thought Rina was, she took it, and we shook hands. Rina kept hold of my right hand, and put it above her left elbow, my four fingers on the inside and my thumb on the outside. “It’s time to get out of here. This is how you’ll tell sighted people to guide you,” she said.

  “I am a sighted person!” I yelled.

  I suspect that she looked at me, strangely, though I had no way of knowing. But what she said hit home really hard.

  “Really? Then how many fingers am I holding up?”

  “How would I know? I’m …”

  “Exactly.”

  With that she escorted me out of the jail and to a nearby bus stop. We took the bus to a metro station, and then rode uptown, getting off near Uptown Disability Services at the Mt. Auburn stop. We walked a few blocks to the UDS facility, which Rina said was in an out-building on a hospital campus. I certainly couldn’t tell. The area was noisy with traffic though.

  During that time, my eyes began to move again, from their frozen, forward-looking position. I barely noticed.

  According to Rina, we entered the building through an employees’ entrance and she led me around inside for a while, letting me sense her movements left or right or up and down stairs from my position, half a step behind her. Eventually, we entered a room somewhere and then stopped. “Alie – that’s what I’m gonna call you whether or not you like it; consider it the end part of ‘Natalie’ that’s left after you remove her sight – you’re a blind girl. Deal with it.”

  And then she said, “I’ll show you how.

  “Alie, I know you can’t see anything. When you think about seeing, you ‘see’ – in quotes - black. But you really don’t see black, do you? You see nothing. Though your brain is convinced that you’re in the darkest dark, it really doesn’t see black, it simply doesn’t ‘see’ – again in quotes. As a result, sight is a meaningless concept to you, so forget about it.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I said nothing. She led me to a chair, and I sat down.

  “The first thing I’m going to do here is introduce you to your new, best friend – a gift from the community that has taken your vision from you.”

  She lifted my right hand, and laid something in it. It felt like a folded stick. “What’s this?” I asked. Was she going to put me to work cleaning or something?

  “It’s your white, folding cane. It has a special tip to allow you to sense the texture of what it’s touching, once you learn how. I’m going to spend most of the afternoon showing you how to get around, and that will be your best tool for doing it. Eventually, you might want another one or two of different lengths.”

  “It’s not much of a replacement for my eyes.”

  “Alie, it’s what you have. Your eyes are useless for … how long?”

  “It was supposed to be three months … but that hack doctor had to re-treat me … so now they’re saying eighteen months.” I started crying. I couldn’t help it.

  I felt her hands on my face. She was obviously staring at me, though that was only a supposition, but I could feel her breath when she spoke. I could smell it too, and she reeked of smoke. Obviously, my trainer was a smoker. “Look Alie, for all intents and purposes, you’re blind forever. It’s so far off in the future when you’ll be able to see again, that you might as well forget about it. One thing I’ve been told by blinded people is that the first couple of years go along at a snail’s pace, because they have to concentrate so much on doing all the things that were easy before. It’ll be the same for you.

  “So now Alie, I’m going to teach you how to get around.”

  I was still sobbing. “Don’t call me that, my name’s Natalie.”

  “Nope. Sorry. As I understand it, Natalie could see – I’ll bet her vision was 20/20. You’re blind as a bat. Blinder, because you haven’t learned to use your other senses to get around yet. So while you’re blind, as far as I’m concerned, you’re Alie. Get used to it.”

  Who did she think she was, talking to me like that? “Fuck you!” I yelled at her.

  “We’ll see what time brings …,” she answered, not giving an inch. “I’ve been known to swing both ways, how about you?”

  That actually made me laugh for some reason. “Well, I’m not gay, as though it’s any of your business. I’m straight as an arrow, as they say.”

  “Perhaps … regardless … now it’s time to get to work.” She was already turning out to be one of the most irritating people I’d ever met.

  “I wanna go home.”

  “Can you find your way on your own, Alie?”

  “I’ll get a cab.”

  “Can you find your way out of this building?”

  “I don’t know … eventually … maybe not.”

  “Then let me show you what to do.”

  And she did, for the next 90 minutes. I was tapping and counting and listening and even smelling. In particular, I was listening.

  She more or less led me to an office near the front door of the building, where I met the woman who was their receptionist.

  “Betty, I want you to meet Alie,” Rina said, irritating me with the unwanted nickname.

  “Alie as in short for Alison?” I heard Betty ask. By her voice, I guessed she was bumping up against 60. She had that pleasant, melodious voice of a kindly grandmother.

  Rina spoke up before I had a chance to say anything. “No, Alie is the perfect nickname for Natalie.”

  “So Rina seems to think,” I said, a bit disgruntled. “I’ve never had a nickname before – I always hated ‘Nat’ and never came up with anything else.”

  “Well,” Rina added, “it’s Alie now.

  I held out my hand and felt someone take it and guide it a few inches to Betty’s. At that point, I wondered if Betty might be blind.

  “I’m pleased to meet you, Alie,” she said pleasantly. “Welcome to the club.”

  “The club?” I asked.

  “The visually impaired club,” she said chuckling, I can tell you’re a recent inductee.”

  “How did you know I was blind?” Did my eyes look different now? That was a frightening thought in itself! But that couldn’t be it; being blind, Betty couldn’t see my eyes.

  “First of all, I knew Rina had a new recruit today so I assumed you must be the one. Secondly, I can easily detect the tremor in your voice from being upset, as I would expect you to be. Thirdly of course, Rina had to guide your hand into mine. As you adjust to it, you’ll find there are all kinds of non-visual cues about what’s around you, which you can pick up on.”

  “I’m pretty sure I’ll never adjust to this. I don’t think I’d want to. Frankly, I’m scared to death. Are
you’re blind too?”

  "Yes, dear, I’ve been blind for many years. You don’t need to be frightened, we’ll take good care of you while you’re here, and we’ll get you home safely too. Over the next few days, Rina will teach you what you need to know in order to function and get through this." She laughed softly.

  I wasn’t scared about being at this place; I was afraid of what would happen later, when I wasn’t here anymore. I told her that.

  Up to that moment, I don’t think I’d ever spoken to a person without sight. And now I was one. I guess I thought a blind person would sound, ah … er … blind or something. I know it doesn’t make sense, but my wits were not really about me at that moment. I was still struggling to hold it together. She’d also surprised me by chuckling about it.

  "Alie, it's not the worst thing that can happen to you, and you won’t be the first to enter and successfully complete the program. As strange as it sounds, dear, you will adjust to being sightless, much more quickly than you expect.”

  I think she could sense that I was this young girl who was getting close to panic – which was true.

  “I don’t think that I’ll adjust at all, no matter how long I’m blind. I can’t see how I’ll ever become accustomed to this,” I said, not realizing how I’d said it.

  “No, you ‘can’t see,’ but you will adapt and learn to get along – much better than you expect. Did they do a duration estimate? How long are you in for? It’s usually at least three months.”

  “Eighteen months!” I exclaimed, trying not to cry again.

  “Oh … well, it happens sometimes. Believe me, you will adjust and you will get used to it. You’ll have to, Alie, you haven’t been given a choice. Rina and all of us are here to help. You can call her or me or anyone else, even if all you want to do is talk.”

  “Thanks,” I stated flatly. After all, this woman wasn’t at fault, and she was genuinely trying to make me feel better.

  “I hope the rest of your day begins to improve,” Betty said. “Bye for now.”

  “Bye.” I resisted saying “see you,” as we walked off.

  After we left Betty, Rina made me ‘count’ my way back to her office, then find the front door on my own. I actually did it. I found that something like a map formed in my mind, with step-counts and ‘turn left/turn right’ memories, instead of visual cues, laced throughout it.

  I managed to do it both times, then again from the front door to another office on a different floor and back.

  “Alie, you’re a natural. You have great spatial navigation skills.”

  “Yeah, I never got lost when I could see.”

  “Yeah, ok, but that’s in the past. You’re a promising, talented blind woman now.”

  “I’m not a …” I was about to say that I wasn’t a blind woman. That’s not how I identified myself. Before I said it, I realized that I was wrong and she was right. I was a blind woman.

  Period. End of story.

  I needed a lot of help.

  Chapter 3 – Hold On

  Rina had been putting me through my paces for the better part of three hours. We finally took a break, and she made me find the soda machine, and buy a diet Coke. It was difficult. I had to feel for the dollar slot and the coin return, after I finally found the machine with the cane - my cane. My life had become more complicated and more challenging in every way.

  We sat at a small table. I think it was in something like a break area.

  “What do I look like?” I asked Rina.

  “Well, you’re very pretty,” Rina said. I like your blonde hair and the deep blue of your eyes. You’ll probably discover that your hair length is going to be too difficult to style right, though.”

  “Oh … I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “I’d suggest you cut it all short. Feel mine.”

  I reached out toward her voice and managed to find her head. My fingers ran through her hair. From the feel I judged that it was something less than three inches long and cut up over her ears.

  “Wow. Your hair is really short. I could never do that.”

  “Trust me on this; you’re going to quickly discover that you can’t properly style that hair. But I’ll let you find out for yourself.”

  I doubted that would happen, but I kept quiet. Thinking about it for a moment, I really didn’t doubt it, I feared that she was right.

  “As I said, you’re very pretty – you have lovely features, you’re healthy, and you have a great figure.”

  “What about my eyes? Do they look normal?” I was still thinking about that.

  “Mostly but not entirely.”

  “What do you mean?” That was not what I wanted to hear!

  “As often happens when the second treatment you had is required, you picked up a little esotropia strabismus in your right eye.”

  “What’s that?” My heart started to pound again.

  “Strabismus is when your eyes don’t quite align, so one always seems to be looking somewhere slightly away from where the other is. Your right eye is turned in just enough to be obvious. That turning in makes it esotropia strabismus. Remember that since your brain sees nothing, it doesn’t know where to position your eyes. So they tend to wander anyway. That will probably lessen as the automatic portion of your brain gets used to not having input from them and shuts down your visual processing brain area. Then it’ll subconsciously forget about them, and they’ll likely assume a neutral position most of the time.

  “Sometimes that heavy second treatment dose spills over and causes a disturbance in one or more of the cranial nerves that make your eye muscles work. Your brain uses those nerves when it aims your eyes and focuses on something – which it can’t do now anyway. But that’s probably why your eyes aren’t lining up. You’ll never notice it until you can see again.”

  “But I know about it! I must look bizarre!”

  “Actually, you don’t. It’s not real pronounced, and it honestly looks kinda cute on you. Gives you even more innocence I think.”

  “Will it get worse?”

  “I don’t know, maybe a little, maybe not.”

  “Will it go away? This is awful!”

  “It might go away eventually, when that cranial nerve or nerves regains its normal state and your brain can receive vision from that eye again. If so, that’ll happen sometime after you’re no longer blind.”

  “What? Do you mean that when my sight comes back, my eyes will be crossed?”

  “Your right one will be a little off. Eventually it might return to normal on its own – maybe as soon as a few months after you can see again. If it doesn’t, you might need corrective lenses or surgery to fix it.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding! Corrective lenses? Surgery?” I started to cry again, I couldn’t help it. “Why did they do this to me, Rina?”

  She ignored my last comment. “Lenses are the most common way it’s fixed. I wouldn’t worry about it. Right now, your eyes are useless anyway. If you want, you can wear dark glasses to hide them, but I wouldn’t bother. Like I said, without control from your brain, your eyes will move randomly some anyway, and the slight misalignment really does look endearing, charming even – ask other people if you don’t believe me.”

  “I feel like I’ve been hit by a train …”

  “Alie, let it go. Play the cards you’re dealt. Come on, we need to get to the Lighthouse store for the blind before they close.”

  Before I could say anything else, we were outside in the early summer heat, which I could feel, but see no evidence of.

  “You will need to come back here for the next two-to-four days, and from time to time after that, so you need to mentally map your way to the bus stop. Public transportation is about to become your next best friend.”

  “You know, when I got up this morning, I was a perfectly normal, reasonably happy college grad. Now I’m a handicapped, goofy-eyed cripple.”

  “Yeah, pretty much. So you’ll have to work hard to overcome it.”

  “
Speaking of work, what am I gonna do? I was supposed to start a new job in a little over a week.”

  “Where?”

  “River’s Edge Biotech – as a lab technician.”

  “Alie, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

  “Tell me about it. What will I do?”

  “What was your major?”

  “Microbiology. I have a little money saved from the trust my parents left, but I need to work to live! I’m all alone here. Actually, I’m all alone, period. Even my boyfriend and I are pretty much over except for the shouting.”

  “I’m sorry about your parents. The state will provide some aid, which I’ll apply for on your behalf today, but you’re right, we’re going to need to find you something you can do.”

  “All the skills I have require that I’m able to see!” Now I was really panicking. “I’ve lost this job anyway. There’s no way they will wait 18 months for me!”

  “You’re probably right about that. Before you get too worked up, give me a chance to see what I can do. What did they offer you, if you don’t mind telling me?”

  “Forty-three.”

  “That’s gonna be tough to match. What do you need to live?”

  “I don’t know …” I thought about it. “Probably thirty.”

  “Okay, I’ll work on this first thing in the morning.”

  “Is there any chance?”

  “Of course …” I wasn’t buying it.

  **********

  We took the bus and walked a block. She made me wander around the store for the blind and bought some things for me, including a talking watch with alarm, and an extra cane, voice synthesis software for my laptop, braille training software, and some other things she said she’d show me later. She had already given me an ALVA braille display and keyboard that River’s Edge provided for as long as I was blind.

  Of course, I didn’t know how to read braille, but Rina assured me that I could learn quickly, and that I needed to make learning braille a high priority. She said the software would help a lot. I appreciated her trying to help me, but I felt myself spiraling farther and farther down the blind well.